In
August of 1999, I was in the President of Nigeria’s office when I got a phone
call that continues to ring in my ears today. It was my wife’s voice informing
me that my mother had taken her life. At that split second in time, I
unknowingly became a victim of suicide. Even now, I have to work to forget the
helpless feeling that came over me. As I tried to grasp my loss and grief, I fell
to my knees weeping. My mother had stolen my relationship with her—and there
was nothing I could do about it but cry and moan.
To
this day, I have tried to redeem some good out of that situation, and all I
have been able to recover is the lesson of how to overcome the victimization of
suicide. I hope that this can help you or someone you know who has experienced the
trauma of a loved one committing suicide.
Victimization
is the consequence of a bad situation happening to you over which you had no
control. It can be the result of an accident or a violation such as abuse,
rape, abduction, or a robbery. The main victimization of suicide is that your
loved one has stolen their relationship away from you. When someone you loved
and knew so well commits the abuse (in this case, suicide) it sets it apart
from a situation where a stranger has committed the offense.
The
whole direction and focus of your life from that point on will be determined by
how well you are able to forgive the offense your loved one committed against
you. A victim of any tragedy can be tempted to carry a helpless, hopeless
attitude that affects every area of their life, including all their other
relationships. Yes, people do get victimized, and suicide is one of the ways
this happens; but there are ways to overcome it. It is not easy, but it can be
done.
Forgiveness
The
only way I know to overcome the victimization of suicide is to forgive the one
who committed the act of taking their life. I learned this lesson rather
abruptly after carrying the unforgiveness of my mother around for almost 10
years. At a deliverance conference, I was confronted with the question of who I
needed to forgive. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked this of others
in my deliverance meetings, but this time, the question was addressed to me. When
I consulted the Lord, He responded with, “Your mother.” Even though I had
counseled others about this very thing in their lives, I was stunned by His response
and realized I had been weighed down with the same offense. The realization hit
me that I needed to forgive my mother for stealing my relationship with her. What
could be more dastardly that to steal someone’s relationship with their mother,
especially when it is the mother who steals it? The betrayal and loss is irrevocable.
So there I was, staring down this huge offense and realizing that I had to
forgive her—for my own sake. My dilemma was—how?
Forgiveness
can be tricky. I actually believe it is one of the most difficult Christ-like characteristics
to develop. It necessitates acting from your spirit and not your soul. Your soul,
or mind, struggles against it because it holds the offense in its memory.
Therefore, the decision must be made from your spirit, contrary to your mind,
and then spoken from your mouth. It is a heart decision that presents itself in
the physical realm by speaking it out. In my case, it was saying, “I forgive my
mother,” and then, in essence, handing the Lord her I.O.U. note. We give Him
the offense and trust Him to do justice with the debt that the person owes you.
It is not that the person gets off scot-free but that you allow Jesus to hold
the note and decide what to do with it. As you continue to speak forgiveness
towards the offender, you will accept it in your heart. You will know it has
reached your heart when you can trust Him to handle it.
Empathy
As
I said, forgiveness of the person is paramount. Another concept that helped me
in processing this was trying to imagine what caused the person to have such
thoughts. This helped make me more empathetic toward them. The one who commits
suicide at some point believed a lie that was exacerbated by demons of
deception, including self-pity. To some degree, the study of iniquity can open
our understanding of generational curses to help us see why people are the way
they are and why they act the way they do. On the other hand, there are some
things we will never know or understand in our earthly lives.
Don’t Play the
“What If?” Game
When
our mother took her life, my brother Larry shared something he heard Charles
Stanley say, “Those things you don’t understand, put them in a bag, tie it up,
give it to the Lord, and never open it again.” Great advice! Failure to do this
can open the door for the devil to play the “What If?” game. What if you had
been with the person or had gone to see her or called, then such and such would
not have happened. NO! Don’t play that game! The devil tried to play it with me
by whispering, “Well, if you had been with her then she would not have done
this.” The truth of the matter is that she would have done it anyway. Don’t play the game. Control your
thinking and give the things you do not understand to the Lord.
Remember the Good
Don’t
let their suicide overshadow your loved one’s goodness and accomplishments. Remember the good things about them. It
is easy to allow tragedy to overcome us in times of weakness, but we must “hold
fast to the good” (1 Thessalonians 5:21).
In Closing
I
hope that this article helps you or someone you know who has become the victim
of a loved one’s suicide. The ultimate peace and reconciliation of the tragedy
rests with the Lord Jesus Christ, who is the judge of the living and the dead.
He holds the keys and only He truly knows the heart of man. He is a just and righteous judge.
